It's time for another post reflecting on my current status in academia and my thoughts related to that.
I last wrote while I was a few months into a postdoc position at the VUB here in Brussels. Shortly after that I got the news that I got a grant at the ULB (french-speaking uni in Brussels) for two years funding, and a few months after that I got a grant that added a third year to that. I moved to the ULB in October 2021 and have been there since. Although I do still help to supervise two students at the VUB.
Of course they key point to make is that I am remarkably lucky and priveleged to be in this position. I have almost full independence to work on my own ideas and manage my time, I have started independent collaborations, I have the extra personal funds that have allowed me to travel to conferences and buy some small equipment, and I have a relative amount of security with guaranteed funding until October 2024. I also have the opportunity to work with the students at VUB, and get exposed to other viewpoints and new horizons via that part of my research. At no other point in my career have I felt so advanced and comfortable proposing new research ideas and taking risks, and at no other point have I felt more accepted as an expert and scholar in my sub-field—I am coming off of two international conference where I had a total of three invited talks, and numerous pleasant and stimulated interactions with scholars that I respect.
Last October I submitted a proposal to the European Research Council (ERC) for the 2023 Starting Grant Call. Getting this grant would essentially guarantee my long term career as a reasearcher and allow me to hire a team and buy large equipment. It was rejected in March, but this process was much different than some of my grants from the past. I received (albeit a bit delayed) a number of reports from referees who clearly read it, at least partially understood it, and who made a good faith effort to rate it fairly and give useful advice. Of course rejection is bad, and my "B" grade means I cannot submit next year (I will have one last chance in 2025). But the process itself feels different—I was not unfairly rejected by an all powerful academic machine, but rather I shot my shot and happened to miss this time. I'm still in the game and will try again. We all lose some.
However, at the same time, I still don't have a permanent academic position. In Belgium this precludes me from submitting my own grants to get equipment or hire students. The idea is sensible, that they don't want to give resources to someone who may leave during the project and not complete it. But the effect on someone like me is quite serious. I have a plethora of ideas, probably enough to hire 5 PhD students, but I cannot buy my own equipment or hire anyone on projects related to my own ideas. This system favors postdocs whose ideas are closely related to those of their supervisors, unlike me, where my sub-field is different than the existing professors in the research group. I can and will try to make this work with the ideas I have that are linked with the work of others, but at the very least it is slowing me down.
And this felt strange at the recent conferences. I felt so welcomed, officially by the conferences and the organizers, but also unofficially. People were asking my opinion, asking if I had ideas or could help them (really?), and telling me that they had read my papers. At some points I was shocked and wasn't prepared how to respond. But it felt strange in a different way. None of these people know my dirty secret! That I'm just a lowly postdoc and don't have a permanent position, nor can I hire students or equipment, and I'm not working for a big shot professor that implicitly provides me all of those things. Ok, it felt strange, but just like the grant results this time around it is more like a positive frustration. It's not that the evil establishment is witholding my deserving golden egg. More-so that I have so many ideas, so many plans, and I just have to wait my turn. Yes, I may not be as lucky in my position as others, but I will get what I deserve. It's hard to avoid cynicism and true frustration, and I still feel it at times, but overall it's positive now.
It's amazing what a few years of funding and supportive colleagues can do.
I am learning how to embrace this "early career" stage that apparently I am in. I feel my trajectory is only upwards, and due to my recent successes my view of the future is optimistic. But I still have to make my own place and get to be "established" like so may of my colleagues already are (especially in the U.S.). I have to do the work to learn about funding, make connections, and continue to challenge myself to have good ideas and to do good science.
